Chris - the TRUE Cinderella story / The Cinderella Conspiracy
From the view of a Narrator,Hello, I am the narrator, and I have been silenced to secrecy to the true events of the kids story Cinderella, but no more! I refuse to be silent any longer! The truth has to be out and it has to be out now! I can’t take it any more!
This is a story of what REALLY happened, before Cinderella went for the ball, when she got her glass slippers, and behind the scenes, to the exact emotions of Cinderella herself, and the horrors endured by her NARRATOR due to spoilt pampered kid’s storybook stars.
Once upon a time, there was a girl called Cinderella, she was due for the ball, but she had no clothes to wear, no nice fashionable shoes, so, the fairy godmother, being omnipotent-ly knowing and thoughtful, she provided her with some seriously expensive wardrobe and accessories, clothes from the medivial “Zara”, a carriage even, top of the line, fully air-conditioned and filled with vodka and mixers. But last of all, since shoes apparently made an impression then, GLASS slippers.
Cinderella : “Why glass slippers? They are so uncomfortable! I broke my toenail twice in those things you call “PROPS!” Couldn’t I have Birkenstocks instead? Wasn’t there something called padding at that time?!”
Narrator : “No! There wasn’t any Birkenstocks in those times! Glass slippers! Just wear them!”
Cinderella : “But I don’t want to! Couldn’t I just wear normal slippers?”
Narrator : “Outrageous! In medieval times, there weren’t any slippers! Their version of slippers was high-heeled shoes! Wear them and lets get on with the story!”
Cinderella being sulky-faced : “Butttttttt”
Narrator : “EH-BLEP!”
All things being said and done, with addition of some warnings being mentioned by the Fairy Godmother, she finally got going, complaining the whole of the journey about the slippers and ruining her make-up while at it. Finally, when the ball has just been rolling, the Fairy Godmother made some hurried repairs to Cinderella’s make up and kicked her out of the carriage.
At first being lost, then youths being how youths are, she went along with the crowd, and was swept away by the sheer glamorousness of it all. Her glass slippers, being made of tempered glass, crushed many a toe, piercing leather and steel shoe caps like tissue paper.
She caught the eye of the Prince, dazzled by her glass slippers and her beauty, note which one came first, and asked her out to dance. Surprisingly, he was fleet-footed, capable of even evading her heels, which was bombarding the floor, and quite possibly, cracking the tiles. She was lost in it all, the pain in her feet forgotten, while they participated in the exquisite art called the dance.
She saw her stepsisters, apparently trying very hard to dance, with drunken gentlemen who cannot tell, between the two and had no idea of the destination of their hands. With slaps that even be heard to the horsemen outside, the horsemen broke out laughing immediately, and went back to drinking rum with their horses.
But for Cinderella, even passion, the magic of the moment like all good things, all have to come to an end. And in her case, the throbbing pain caused by the glass slippers were making themselves known. Whispering so that only the narrator can hear and not her handsome date, which she gave sweet smiles to keep him in the dark how painful the price of beauty, really is.
Whispers Cinderella : I am going to kill you narrator! I am in the worse position possible! I am having the best day of my life and my feet are killing me!
But however the narrator chooses not listen, whistling happily, pretended ignorance is even sweeter bliss, especially when you have an uncooperative co-worker.
Suddenly, the clock starts to chime, and Cinderella freezes, her mind is nagging at her, telling her that she has something desperately important to take note of, screaming at her to remember, as if her life would depend on it.
In the nanoseconds of time which the mind operates, her small brain pulls up the information needed. In her head, the Fairy Godmother goes, “Since I know the youths today believe that partying clothes should only be worn outside once, and to be stowed in the cupboard for all eternity, I, thinking before you have a overflowing cupboard and considered you are a minor, your clothes have a magical expiry date, they will disappear off the skin of your body, at exactly 12 midnight! So you had better either be home by then or at least have a change of clothes nearby, or you will naked, in the ball, literally. And oh yes! Before I forget, the shoes wont go, because shoes can be reused in any situation, unlike clothes”
Time speeds up again for Cinderella, by this time, 3 chimes have rung, 9 chimes are left, before she is a public embarrassment. She looks at her date longingly and runs, like her life depends on it. Cursing the narrator, the Fairy Godmother and the storywriters all under her breath. She sprints down the stairs, stretching the dress to its limits! But who cares, its about to be gone anyway, alas! One of the glass slippers falls off, and Cinderella gasps, as she feels the freedom of one foot, and as her toes suck in as much oxygen as they can.
This is the part where it was unfairly omitted from the published story, what befell the fate of the other glass slipper? The truth is that, when she got to her stash of clothes, shoes, cash and emergency credit cards that was unceremonially stuffed into a hole in the tree, she took her uncomfortable glass slipper and hurled it into the swamp, such was the torture of the glass slipper.
The rest of the published story from this point on is true, except, when the Prince fitted the glass slipper on her foot again, in her mind, was not “happily ever after”, more accurately, it was “oh no, not again!”
posted by .jagged @ 9:08 PM
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